Dealing With Friendship Triangles and Circles

Dealing With Friendship Triangles and Circles

Laurel J. Engholm Dave Chapman, Counselor Intern

Teacher MN State, Mankato 1998-1999

Sibley East Junior High School Sibley East Junior High

Gaylord, Minnesota 55334 Gaylord, Minnesota 55334

(507) 237-3383 (507) 237-3323

Description of the Lesson(s) or Program

Dealing with Friendship Triangles and Circles is a classroom activity that involves dealing with communication dynamics among friends, facilitating an understanding of problem ownership and assisting the students in revisiting their own experiences with exclusion and the feelings that accompany them. This series of lessons was presented to a 7th grade Self-Concepts class in mid-October as part of a problem solving/conflict resolution decision making graduation standard. The accompanying material takes about three class periods (120 minutes) to present and facilitate.

I. Defining the Problem

A. Telephone Game Activity: A message is communicated to one individual at each table that they are to repeat to the person next to them by whispering it. That person would in turn repeat the message to the person next to them and so on until each member of the table has been told the message the last person at the table will them write down the message they heard on a sheet of paper (no help from their table). The last person at each table will then say their message to the large group. Then the first group member will read the original message to the group, aloud.

B. Process: Were all the messages shared at the end the same as the one the first group member originally communicated?

1. What kind of problems did this activity create as far as being able to receive a clear message?

a. Whispering impairs communication.

b. Your personal experience may influence how you hear the message

c. When a message is re-communicated at least five times, this can cause problems

d. The fact that you knew some the individuals named in the message impacted your perceptions.

e. Other issues?

II. Understanding the Problem

A. The influence of inflection: State then restate the sentence below inflecting a different word in the sentence each time.

1. I can't believe they didn't invite me to the party.

2. I can't believe they didn't invite me to the party.

3. I can't believe they didn't invite me to the party.

4. I can't believe they didn't invite me to the party.

5. I can't believe they didn't invite me to the party.

B. Mobile Metaphor: Our relationships with each other are like a mobile. One part of the mobile can not be touched without another being affected.

1. Demonstrate with an actual mobile. The presenter will have constructed a mobile with the hanging items being faces.

2. Ask a class member to blow on the mobile. What do you see? Everything moved.

3. Make the point that if the mobile is your circle of friends and the wind you introduce is a friendship conflict, then everyone in the circle is affected when conflict occurs.

C. Power Dynamic: Explain this dynamic to the class utilizing a balance scale as the metaphor, demonstrating how power shifts in a relationship when information is not available to us or is used inappropriately.

1. Most friendships are seen as equal. That is, each person feels there is balance and each has equal power in the relationship. Draw the scale on the white board. However, when one or both parties in a friendship are not communicating well, the relationship goes out of balance.

2. Demonstrate (with a teaching partner) by responding to a situation where another person is asking if anything is wrong or if you are "mad" at them. Focus on inflection.

a. Person 1: "Is anything wrong?"

Person 2: "Nothing is wrong (said sort of aloofly)

Person 1: "You're sure nothing is wrong?"

Person 2: "I said there was nothing wrong!" (look angry and don't continue to talk)

Person 1: "You seem sort of angry, did I do something?"

Person 2: "No, I'm not mad at you!" (using inflection as a tool to emphasize one of the words in the sentence).

3. By understanding the role of effective communication in a friendship and how that communication can affect the balance of power in the relationship, it then becomes easier to decide how you wish to solve the problem.

III. Solving the Problem

A. First, we must understand who has ownership for a problem. The answer is BOTH people or all people, since there would not be a problem in the first place, if people did not choose to be friends or talk to one another. Refer back to the mobile metaphor.

B. Make a Plan: Decide on the best time and place. Practice your conversation in your mind or with someone who has no investment in the friendship that concerns you.

1. What are examples of places that would be excellent locations to talk?

a. Guidance office, on a walk, in a secluded place after school, your room, their room, etc.

2. Give some examples of poor places to talk.

a. Lunchroom, gym during gym supervision after lunch, locker rooms, bathrooms, around your locker, etc.

C. Go to the Source: It is a poor reflection on your friendship and trust of your friend(s) if you do not go to them first with your concerns about how you are feeling.

1. Use assertive statements: Use "I", not "You". Take ownership for your feelings. Address What, Why, How. Tell your friend what it is that is bothering you and why, how their behavior made you feel and what you want to be different from now on.

D. Remember, you can't control other's behavior. You can't make them change, they must choose to change.

1. This behavior may not even be about you. No matter who would have been in that situation, the same thing might have happened.

2. Be ready to hear the word "No" or "I don't agree". Just because you have communicated your concern effectively does not guarantee the situation will change immediately.

3. Try not to focus on who is right! All parties are most likely right and wrong about some part of how they interacted together.

IV. Role of the Guidance Office

A. Someone to bounce the problem off of. Don't expect us to take sides.

B. Someone to support you, but also challenge some of your ways of thinking.

C. An opportunity for a mediation through the guidance office.

D. Questions?

Dealing With Friendship Triangles and Circles Part II

I. Last class we took a look at friendships and how we get ourselves into trouble through poor communication.

A. Next, we are going to do an activity intended to allow you all to see that many of us experience and observe exclusionary treatment by others; our friends and acquaintances.

B. Human Barometer Activity - The teacher will get the class on line shoulder to shoulder in the middle of the room. Statements will be read out loud regarding a type of treatment of another person, the student's observation of that treatment or the student's perpetration of such treatment on another person.

1. On one side of the room, on the wall a sign should be placed that states: "Yes, that has happened to me, or I have to admit I have done it to someone myself." At the other end of the room a sign should be placed on the wall, stating "That has never happened to me or I have never done that to someone."

2. The teacher will then read a list of statements and ask to students to observe the "rise and fall" of the barometer, as students move back and forth responding to the different statements. The activity follows on the next page.

3. After the activity is completed, ask the students to be seated. Then ask them:

a. What did you see happen? Most people indicated they were either recipients or observers of perpetrated oppression.

b. If most people "see" themselves as the victims, who are the perpetrators?

Human Barometer Activity

Directions: The facilitator will read one statement from each of the three types of statements. Read one recipient statement, then observer statement then participant statement. Students will align themselves along a line in the classroom with the far right end representing their strongest effort or impact as a recipient or participant and the left end of the line representing not having been a recipient or a participant.

Recipient

I have had at least one experience where I know someone has intentionally excluded me from an activity.

At least once a comment has been directed at my related to the size or look of my body. For example, your are too tall, too short, too heavy, too thin.

I have been excluded at least once from an activity because of my age or class grade.

I have had the experience of someone trying to humiliate or embarrass me in front of other people or my friends, at least one time.

On at least one occasion, I have felt excluded because someone told me what I was wearing was not OK.

On at least one occasion, I have been excluded from doing an activity because of the friends I have.

On at least one occasion, I have felt singled out because of my ethnic background. For example, you are German or Norwegian or Hispanic.

On at least one occasion I have felt singled out because of what my parents do for occupations.

Passive Participant

I have watched others be excluded from an activity while I was included myself.

I have watched others be excluded because of comments directed at the size or look of their body. For example, they are too tall, too short, too heavy, too thin.

I have watched others be excluded from an activity because of their age or class grade.

I have watched my friends try to humiliate or embarrass others.

I have watched others be excluded because someone told them what they were wearing was not OK.

I have watched others be excluded from from a group because of the friends they associate with.

I have watched others be excluded or singled out because of their ethnic background. For example, you are German or Norwegian or Hispanic.

I have watched others be singled out because of what their parents do for occupations.

Participant

I have purposely excluded someone from an activity I was doing.

I have made comments directed at the size or look of another person's body. For example, they are too tall, too short, too heavy, too thin.

I have excluded someone from an activity because of their age or class grade.

I have tried to humiliate or embarrass other people at times.

I have excluded someone because what they were wearing was not OK.

I have excluded someone from from my group because of the friends they associate with.

I have excluded or singled out people because of their ethnic background. For example, you are German or Norwegian or Hispanic.

I have singled others out because of what their parents do for occupations.

Discussion Questions Continued

c. Why do we purposely exclude others?

1. Jealousy, fear, ignorance, we see others do it, peer pressure, etc.

II. Case Studies on Oppression and Exclusion

A. The teacher will break the class into five groups. Each group will receive one case study they will read and discuss, answering the provided questions for each other and then reporting their impressions to the remainder of the class.

Case Studies

Andrea is a female Hispanic student who is new to your school. As you hang out with your friends (who are white), one of your friends says, "Great, that's all we need in this school is another Mexican!".

1. What do you think about that comment? How does it make you feel?

2. How do you think the comment made Andrea feel?

3. Do you do anything to address the behavior of your friend(s)?