What is Abuse in Relationships? What Does Love Have to Do with it?

Dawn McNeil

MSUM Intern 2001-02

Kennedy Senior High School

Bloomington, MN 55420

What is Abuse in Relationships? is a presentation that I developed to deliver to senior high students (grades 9-12) while I was working as a Youth Advocate at the battered women’s shelter in Mankato. The purpose of this lesson is to address family and relationship violence as well as sex-role socialization. Students will learn about the power and control wheel and the definition, causes and effects, and the prevalence of domestic violence. Characteristics of a respectful relationship and concrete ways of preventing relationship violence are also presented. What you can do if you or your friend is in a violent relationship is covered as well. During the presentation I facilitate an activity called Act Like a Man, Act Like a Women that can be found in the Helping Teens Stop Violence Curriculum to teach students about sex-role socialization (see references below for more details). The lesson is designed to be delivered within a 45-minute period.

The lesson follows. I begin the lesson by asking for a volunteer to come up and start shaking a 2ltr bottle of Mountain Dew. I then ask the students whether or not the student shaking the bottle of Mountain Dew has the power and control over how much he/she shakes the bottle and if he/she has the choice over shaking the bottle. I relate this activity to violence being a choice and it is about power and control. It is also pointed out to the students that as the bottle of pop is being shook its tension increases until it explodes similar to violence in relationships. Then I ask the volunteer to go and point the bottle at someone in the class. The students are then asked if the bottle was opened who would be affected. The bottle of Mountain Dew would not only spray the person who it is being pointed at but everyone around that person. An explanation is given to the students about secondary victims. Violence affects everyone involved with the primary victim.

A power point presentation follows (see attached). The first two slides are definitions of domestic violence and abuse in relationships. Next, the power and control wheel is presented. When presenting the wheel it should be explained that at the center of the wheel is power and control. Different tactics that perpetrators use are in the spokes of the wheel and this is what makes the wheel go around and hold the wheel together. The next two slides include statistics and facts about the prevalence of battering and sexual violence followed by a slide talking about the characteristics of perpetrators. Reasons why teens stay in abusive relationships are presented in the eighth slide followed by two slides that discuss causes and myths of dating violence. A chart that focuses on the effects of dating violence follows. The next four slides cover who teens talk to and why they resist seeking help as well as concrete actions the students can take if they or their friends are in an abusive relationship. Safety tips for dating and what being in a respectful relationship means is also included.

An activity that is called Act Like A Man: Act Like A Women taken from the Helping Teens Stop Violence curriculum is also a part of this lesson. First ask the students what it means to act like a man (i.e. tough, in control, hide your feelings). Write these words or phrases down that the students come up with and draw a box around it. Then ask the students what names they would be called if they stepped out of the box. Write the names on one side of the box (i.e. wimp, wuss, sissy). On the other side of the box have the students come up with the physical things that happen to men when they step outside the box (i.e. get beat up, ignored, harassed). Do the same for act like a women. Inside the box examples include sweet, passive, caretaker. Names might include whore, slut, tramp. Examples of physical things that happen to women include rape, bad reputation, getting hit. It is important to point out that it doesn’t matter if you are in or outside of the box, anyone can be raped. Rape is not an act of sex it is an act of power and control. After the activity is completed a discussion should take place. Discussion questions might include? Who in society teaches us to act these ways? What is different about the names that women get called and the names that men get called? What are the purposes of these names? What keeps us inside the box? What is it about the boxes that lead to violence in relationships? It is important to conclude the lesson with questions that they may have and giving resources of where they can get help if they are in a violent relationship or family or if they know someone with these circumstances.

Correlations to Related Standards, Competencies, and Domains

This lesson directly relates to the Minnesota graduation standard learning area number eight: decision making. Specifically the lesson follows subpart 2, individual and community health, in this learning area.

This lesson is reflective of the Personal/Social domain of the Minnesota School Counselor’s Model of Developmental Guidance and Counseling. The lesson connects to this domain because students are encouraged to look at how they treat other people (social skills) as well as looking at how they deserve to be treated (self-understanding and self-identity).

References:

Alexandra House, Inc. (1993). Teen violence control wheel. Eagan, Minnesota.

Blue Earth County Sexual Violence Resource Center. Safety tips in dating for males and females.

Creighton, A., & Kivel, P. (1990). Helping teens stop violence. Alameda: Hunter House Inc.

Duluth Women’s Coalition. (1985). Broken dreams: the secret of dating violence. Duluth, Minnesota.

Ganley, A. Causes of domestic violence handout III-5. Family Violence Prevention Fund.

Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women. Young women seeking justice fact sheet. St. Paul, Minnesota.

Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women. Violence in teen-age relationships informational sheets. St. Paul, Minnesota.

Sexual Assault Services of Crow Wing County, (1991). Got a date tonight? Brochure. Brainerd, Minnesota.